Day 16. March 16. Mile 175.8 to Mile 188.3

Day 16. Thursday, March 16. Mile 175.8 elev. 6014  to Mile 188.3 elev. 7424. Walked 12.5 miles, 4100 up, 2701 down. 

Dear Trail Friends,

This was the toughest 12 1/2 miles I ever walked. That may or may not be true, given my memory problems but it certainly feels true. Sometimes it was hard because it was very very steep, or full of big rocks one had to clamber over, or downed trees. Other times it was hard because the trail was hard to find and follow and the gps app was not working well. 

I am cowboy camping tonight on the trail - was unable to find a tent site. So we will see how this goes. And yes I did remember to shake out my shoes this morning. There was nothing there but shaking then made me fearful and reminded of Chris who dislikes locking doors. If people really want to break in, they will, she says. But every time I lock the door I am living in fear, conjuring what might happen so it happens to me in imagination every day instead of only when it actually happens. 

I am high up and the air is cool and there is a beautiful sunset the iPhone can't do justice to. Photo 1 is the sunset  

 

I woke up this morning worrying about not having heard from my first trail angel. I began to make up stories about why she might be upset. Maybe because I didn't explicitly ask for permission to share photos of her home and her stories on my blog. It was very personal stuff. Maybe I violated her trust. I was beginning to lay down the law for myself - you must never use a photo or story without the person's explicit consent. And then I started thinking about not being attached to outcomes. I thought about Paris the guy who convinced Helen to run away with him and so his whole family and the city of Troy were destroyed. But also one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written came into being. (Okay Paris probably never really existed. It's a myth. But you get my point. ) My whole surge to make rules, to make clear cut distinctions between right and wrong, is about the illusion that I can control the outcome. If I am perfect no one ever gets hurt and no one ever pulls back from relationship ( or I from them).  But life isn't like that. It's unpredictable. And sometimes good emerges from difficult and painful outcomes. I have had a problem with telling too much of other people's private information all my life. (Something I just barely learned to contain by making rigid rules as a therapist) - it's part of who I am. And good probably comes of it as well as bad. It was the first time I experienced just letting go of my urge to control both my behavior and the outcome. I thought of the sign in Steve and Anne's kitchen "it is what it is." I am what I am. 

And when I checked email today, there was a beautiful message from trail angel Sandy. 

Brrr it's getting cold. Shall we keep this short so I can tuck myself in?

Photo 2 is the now waning moon over the mountain when I started the day at 6 am. I hiked from 6am to after 6 pm with at most 2 hours of rest. Can you believe that in more than 19 hours of walking I hiked only 12.5 miles? It is beginning to look like I may not be able to follow my plan (which calls for 15 mile days this week and then keeps going up til it gets to 20 mile days). This will be the first time I couldn't keep up with my plan. In the past I've always been able to get ahead of it. I am struck that I don't seem to be building strength. My aging? The heat? A misperceptions?  We will see. Meanwhile here is her majesty the moon who knows a thing or two about waning. 

 

In photo 4 I try to show you how nearly vertical the trail up Mount Lemmon really was. This was at the beginning of this morning's hike so before full daylight.

 

A lot of today's hike was on the Wilderness of Rocks trail. Photo 3 is. Celebrating the beauty of rocks. 

 

I didn't actually suffer from the heat as much as I expected to - partly because it's a little cooler at higher elevations and there was lots of water and opportunity to dunk my hat in icy water and plop it back on my head. Mmmmm. Also when I went down into the canyon I moved into tall trees and shade as in photo 5. It is amazing how many ecologist I move through on this hike.  I regret creating such a demanding plan.  I wish I had planned to take it more slowly, and just do half and come back next year for the second half. I truly had no idea how difficult it would be. 

Okay. Enough for now. I love you for walking with me. Tonight it is all about being tired and having sore feet and cowboy camping because I don't have a choice.  But you would not believe how crisp and clear the night sky is.  This is going to be a great view of the stars.