Continued from Day 36, part 1.
Day 36. Part 2. Wednesday, April 5. Mile 456.1, elev. 5870, to Mile 465.5, elevation 6022. Walked 9.4 miles (plus 4 or 5 into and around and out of town of Pine), 1717 up, 1604 down, total grade 352.0 ft/mi
The day in town went well. All my packages arrived, I got my laundry done. But I found myself over-stimulated even in this tiniest of towns by the complexity of interacting with lots of different people and trying to sort out a variety of places and my stuff. I was relieved to be back on the trail. Relieved and also depressed. I just felt lost without a destination (Ribbon Falls being closed) or the joy of a plan I could compete with and surpass. I just felt I was hiking along not knowing where I was going, no incentive to strive. Now that sounds fine. Why not just live in the moment and accept what Slo Bro's card says: the journey is the reward. I'm not in principle opposed to that as you well know. But the part of me that needs a goal and a meaning, a story, and that needs something to strive for and with and against, when that part of me isn't engaged the life seems to go out of me like a deflated balloon. There isn't enough energy to be fully present in the moment.
The sergeant and the general had quite a conversation. The sergeant was taking the General to task because the enlisted men need a leader they can look up to. He was saying if I can't feel proud of the men and grateful for their work to make this adventure possible, then I should pretend. He had absolutely no patience with my depression. So as I plodded slowly up the hill with all the aplomb of a depressed person, the sergeant was coaching me basically on serving the enlisted men (my body parts) with no attachment to outcome (outcome like having a destination, having the fun of winning the rivalry with my planner self, who in the past had set the bar high enough to truly challenge me but never before to defeat me. ). The sergeant kept comparing me to a kid who can't handle it when her team doesn't win.
Anyway it did get me to thinking about a pilgrimage that is a prayer-walk about emergence from dark to light being unattached to outcomes of all kinds. Not just having real emergences take place, but having happiness and a sense of deeply meaningful pilgrimage. The sergeant is just urging me to massage my feet, rub cream in them, do inverted pose, thank them for their hard work, and serve other parts of myself similarly. Frequent rests. Attentiveness to needs. Brushing teeth.
Interesting that the pilgrimage itself should confront me with these kinds of disappointments. It occurs to me that the bridge that leads to Ribbon Falls being out, with no plan for repair or posted reopening date, might not be wholly unrelated to the larger political darkness. With uncertain budgets are national parks wary of beginning expensive infrastructure rebuilding projects?
Photo 5 is a view looking down and back at the town of Pine and the prescribed fires as I hiked away.
Photo 6 is a small canyon on the trail that charmed me with its rich red color so I gasped when I first came around the corner and saw it.
Okay and now for some pure play. Photo 7 is a collage of cairns since you didn't get to see them in the photo yesterday.
Photo 8 is a collage celebrating the colors and shapes of lichen on rocks.
Oops. The upper middle lichen picture was supposed to be a cairn picture. Oh well. Can't be perfect. Pilgrimage all about detaching from outcome.
Thanks for plodding along with me, bent over with discouragement and depression, through the beauty and wonder all around. Seriously, thank you for walking with me through the hard stuff. See you on the trail tomorrow.
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